I Need Sheep!
Posted on: June 3, 2013
I need sheep! Lots of sheep. An uncountable number of sheep.
Is there even such a thing as an uncountable number? The concept is too complicated for me to ponder upon after a sleepless night, but I would like to launch an appeal: would my readers kindly send me a few sheep? Now, I don’t have an uncountable number of readers, but I do have a few, and if each of them sent me one sheep, I think I would have more than enough.
You might wonder what I want to do with all the sheep, and the answer is, I want to count them of course, duh! With two chairs and a broom I have already built a little fence at the foot of my bed, that the helpful creatures can jump to their hearts delight.
They will be the fittest sheep ever, because I can’t sleep very well these days – make it weeks – actually, make it months; it seems like I can sleep soundly only on my bench, but that’s 20 km away from my flat, plus has been unreachable all winter long because of the snow and it’s currently underwater because of the floods, so I can’t really depend on that.
I have also tried all the natural remedies I could find, including no caffeine in the afternoon (hello zombie!) , long hot baths before bed (managed to faint but not to sleep), herbal pills (repeat as a mantra “this smells like ripe cheese, NOT like unwashed feet”), no arguing with my bed partner (Mr. Pillow was very understanding), but nothing. So I am going for the ultimate remedy: counting sheep!
The sheep need to be as non-descript as possible, so if my insomnia proves an especially hard nut to crack, I can put them on rotation and it will work better if I can’t tell one from the other. So just your basic, fluffy, white sheep, I hope you can spare one or two?
Also I would like them to be a cheerful bunch – err – flock, because, did you know? Sheep can get depression, too. It usually happens when they lose a lamb, the poor things – the Internet is full of sad stories of mothers grieving and not eating, and stinking (I guess it makes sense – depression stinks), and losing all their wool.
However, I know very well that depression can strike with no warning, and I’m not one to abandon a companion only because she’s not funny anymore, so I have done some pre-emptive research, and luckily I have discovered that if one of my previously cheerful sheep falls pray to depression there is a cure.
According to a forum I visited, the somewhat surprising remedy consists in clothing the mournfully bleating and now naked sheep in a green polo neck jumper. The reason why the colour must be green is pretty straightforward: green is the colour of mental health awareness. But the polo neck is a matter of some debate. You could argue that this is a nod to the Marco Polo sheep breed, a species that lives wild and in the mountains of central Asia and that boasts the longest horns of any breed of sheep, probably making its representatives an object of admiration among sheepfolk and thus a source of inspiration for the depressed sheep; or that it is a reminder of the peculiar Kyrgyz version of horse polo, kok-boru, which consists in using, instead of a ball, the headless body of a sheep.
Here I guess that the idea is reminding the depressed sheep that there are sheep who have it waaay worse than her. Don’t we all get that? How many helpful people come to those who have depression and argue: “How can you be sad? So-and-So has cancer!”
Euh… yes, thank you, Helpful Person, and that should make me ecstatic, I guess. I was never sure why I should rejoice at the misfortune of others, probably something along the lines of “better her than me”???
But back to the sheep. Could you ship me a sheep (that’s terrible, I know – but have I mentioned that I was up all night?)? Pretty please? With sugar on top?
20 Responses to "I Need Sheep!"
June 4, 2013 at 2:10 pm
I’ve no sheep to send your way … sorry. But I would just like to say (write): That was FU-UN to read!
I swallowed quite a bit of caffeine today in addition to my antidepressant, and quite late in the evening to boot (free refills, couldn’t say ‘No, thanks.’). I’d love to just spend the next eight hours writing up a storm but, alas, I have to get up and at it again at 6:30 a.m., so I’ll be taking my alprazolam as usual.
Are you drug-free these days? I’m new to prescription meds, myself, but have to admit, despite my deep hatred of Big Pharma, certain meds (read; definitely not all or even most drugs available on the market for all kinds of illnesses/diseases/conditions) can help you step back from the brink, get some badly needed new perspectives on everything going on in your life, and even provide mental clarity. But I wouldn’t be sleeping, I think, without the alprazolam (i.e., Ambien or other such brand names; I go generic whenever possible, as I’m given that choice here in Japan).
Anyway, no sleeping pill for you? I love my deep slumber these days, and the long sleeps give me lots of energy to tackle the next day.
Again, sorry about not sending any sheep. This is all I can send you:
__ _
.-.’ `; `-._ __ _
(_, .-:’ `; `-._
,’o”( (_, )
(__,-‘ ,’o”( )>
( (__,-‘ )
`-‘._.–._( )
||| |||`-‘._.–._.-‘
||| |||
Borrowed ascii sheep from http://www.heartnsoul.com/ascii_art/sheep.txt
June 4, 2013 at 11:16 pm
Thank you very much for the sheep! I see they need some reassembling, did you get them from Ikea? I will call them Bäääh and Scheep.
Actually, I’m very much against pills of any kind, so yes, I am medicament-free, apart from the odd aspirin. The psys wanted to give me all sort of stuff, but I said no. They insisted so much that I felt sorry for them and to make them happy I let them prescribe me the herbal stuff that smells like ripe feet.
I don’t even know why I was so adamant. Actually, I do know why, but I could disprove any single argument.
Health – like not eating is healthy anyway, or like I want to live a long and unhappy life. Mental clarity – why would I even want that?? They’re not a solution to the underlining problems – but since there’s no solution anyway, why not take them and live my last days in blissful drug-induced insouciance?
So, dunno. But the very idea of pills rather freaks me out, so I’ll try the sheep.
June 4, 2013 at 10:52 pm
You have GOT to come here girl. Every hill is dotted (and I mean like with a giant wooly salt shaker) with millions of sheep. Big, little, black, white, spotted… You could cound foreer.
(Have you seen this blog? http://www.businessinsider.com/allie-brosh-hyperbole-and-a-half-returns-2013-5 She has a hilarious approach to heartbreaking stuff that reminds me of you…)
June 4, 2013 at 11:28 pm
Cool, sheep everywhere! I could fall asleep in the middle of a field and sleep forever and be slowly covered in sheep poo.
Actually yes, I know about that blog, even more, it was my inspiration. One day I was looking for funny stuff about depression, because I was wondering how abnormal I was, in still seeing humour in things that happened to me, and I found lots of jokes written by people who were clearly not depressed, and then that blog (that was some time ago, so it was her first post about depression), and it was something of an epiphany:
1. YOU DON’T HAVE TO be mopey all the time in order to be properly depressed, and
2. You can write about it and it won’t be in such horrible taste.
June 4, 2013 at 10:53 pm
Make that … “count forever” (Sorry — trying to type on my phone. My bad.)
June 17, 2013 at 9:59 am
Have you tried thinking about the expanding universe instead? Sheep all look the same to me, and they all behave the same. When try to imagine all those billions and trillions of stars, solar systems and galaxies hurtling away from one another into infinity it gives me vertigo. The only way to stop it is to go to sleep!
Thanks for the tip Jane – I think I got it mixed up though and I ended up thinking about an expanding sheep, and it was growing and growing and then it exploded and there was wool everywhere!
June 26, 2013 at 1:36 pm
I’ve nominated you for the Shine-On Award! (For more info, see http://wp.me/p2SHpT-kS)
June 30, 2013 at 12:32 am
It’s been almost a month – have you slept yet? I hope so, because I have no sheep to send you. I do have this though: http://vimeo.com/45732240
Enjoy.
June 30, 2013 at 10:55 am
Hehe, sorry for not updating my blog much (or at all): a combination of being very busy and very tired and very, well, depressed.
But I have been jotting down ideas 😉
Thank you for the video!
July 6, 2013 at 2:34 am
We just spent half an hour feeding donkeys, but no sheep. I’ve struggled w/ insomnia since 2005 and tried every pill, every natural thing, every doctor, sleep hygiene (no tv in bedroom, etc), acupuncture, cognitive behavioral therapy, Ambien, Lunesta, Restoral, Seroquel, Advil PM, melatonin plus 19 others. They are all basically worthless. I even had to quit my job. But I learned that the more you internalize that crap about HAVING to get 8 hrs, the more you feel awful and alone and like everyone else is normal. They’re not. They just have other crosses to bear. So know that plenty of folks live on 4 hrs of sleep each night, and yes, it sucks and makes you crazy, but you won’t die. The less I care about it, the more I have an attitude of well, I got one hour of sleep and I’m still alive and I’ve done this for years, then I feel better. The more you worry, the less sleep you get, and the cycle continues. So don’t let that devil get the pleasure of defeating you. I got more than 8 hrs last night for the first time this year, so it is possible even after years of crazy sheepless, sleepless nights. Baaaaa.
August 12, 2013 at 3:23 am
One can definitely tell from your essay that sleep does not come easily. You need to be caught up in the arms of Morpheus, but people might think that rather naughty.
One problem with the “uncountable number of sheep” is that you’d be counting for a very long time. And unless the sheep kept moving along (not likely), there’d be a bit of bother in your kitchen,
However, you might try letting them go by in groups of 7, and just think the current total:(“7, 14,21,28,35,42,49,56, ….,2499, 2506, …”). Eventually you’ll either fall asleep or greet the roseate dawn (does the dawn get roseate over there?)
“… Could you ship me a sheep …..”
I could, in fact, ship you a ship-shape sheep, but there are certain difficulties at each end of the ovine journey. Beady-eyed officials take not kindly to sheep-shipping, even if they’re wearing green polo-neck jumpers. I might try adding a harness with “Therapy Sheep” – which would of course be true, but possibly not helpful. I think I’d better pass on that idea.
Anyway, I hope things are looking up over there.
August 25, 2013 at 2:22 am
I’m sorry re your depression. I have indeed been there. Insomnia I only had when I was experiencing anxiety. It’s horrible. I truly hope you find the fix. It really is great you have a sense of humour though.
August 29, 2013 at 10:22 pm
Thank you! Summer has been kind to me I guess – I am sleepy all the time now! It’s an improvement, I’m sure. If I don’t fall off my bike.
Deprifun 
June 3, 2013 at 9:24 pm
Did you know that sheep are just sooo yesterday! You should ask for alpaca instead. : ) Bigger cuter and way more pricey wool to sell.
Wish you all the best with the sleeping though.
June 3, 2013 at 10:26 pm
Ah yes, I hadn’t thought about selling the wool – of course you are the expert.
I’m not sure that bigger is better (I live in a flat), or that they are cuter (what’s cuter than sheep??), but the real question is:
Are they any good at jumping makeshift fences?
June 5, 2013 at 12:15 pm
They do better – they fan you with their large lashes to keep you cool whilst walking round calmly to induce the best night’s sleep you’ve ever had : )
June 5, 2013 at 12:19 pm
WOW!