Deprifun

Death Becomes Me

Posted on: April 24, 2013

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I used to have this great fear. Because I saw it coming, and I saw that nothing I tried was working. I thought that if that one thing happened I would die.

Then it happened.

And I died.

And I must say, death is better than a miserable life. You don’t care much about things. You don’t need food anymore. You don’t need to worry about building for your future life, since there is no future life. The one thing you really feared losing is already lost, and that makes you effectively invulnerable.

So all in all this is a positive development, and I’m making the necessary adjustments.

This is the first time I die, so I am not sure how the whole thing is supposed to work. There’s precious little documentation on the subject, and what there is mostly belongs to the realm of fiction and there’s no first hand accounts. So I am quite on my own here, but wasn’t I before, too?

I haven’t started decomposing yet, and quite frankly, I hope I never do. That would be so inconvenient! Imagine you shake hands with someone and they rip your hand off? So embarrassing!

Luckily, the way things look like right now makes me think I might be slowly turning into either a mummy or a ghost. If it is a mummy, I should start hoarding wrappings, but I’m not sure about the colour. I think off white is so wrong, I am pale enough as it is and I would really like a pop of colour. I quite like the pantone colour of the year, emerald, but I wonder if it will get old after a few hundred years. I don’t think I can unwrap and rewrap myself without breaking off fingers and toes and stuff; I guess I could layer new bandages on top of the old ones, but that would make me look like the Michelin Man, so I should probably set on a colour and keep to it for all eternity. Once decided on the colour, I will have to get white wrappings and colour them myself in the washing machine – can you believe it, you can’t buy colourful mummy wrappings anywhere! Not even on Etsy! I will have to do it over and over again, since according to my research I need 372 square meters of linen. That’s A LOT! And I don’t have so much place to hang it and dry it. So, lots of work, but it’s not like there’s much hurry.

Also, every self-respecting mummy needs a curse. I am quite stumped on this, too. Perhaps I should take my inspiration from actual ones, combining two of them together, like All people who enter this tomb may the hippopotamus be against them in water, and Death shall come on swift wings to him who disturbs the peace of the King. My own curse could be something along the lines of To ye who disturb my rest the hippopotamus shall come on swift wings. Yes, I think this has potential.

There’s also the matter of my future abode. I am NOT going to live in a tomb. Perhaps a museum? I could offer myself to the British Museum and get to know Ginger. He’s the earliest Egyptian mummy, and they used to call him that because of his hair. Later though they realised that it wasn’t nice of them and they changed the name to something more respectful: 32751. Hm.

The idea of living in a museum has its romantic allure. I could terrorize small children during the day, and wander about at night. Better than ending up as fuel for locomotives, at any rate.

And yet, I’m a bit of a sissy as for surgical procedures, and I am not looking forward to the whole pulling my brain out through my nostrils thing, so I really hope I rather go the ghost way. Ghosts are so glamorous! I can haunt some old building and live like a princess. I will have all the advantages of being invisible, with additional perks: I could make myself visible if I chose to, for additional scaring opportunities and to look as stunning as the Grey Lady in Harry Potter, I won’t need to worry about food and comfort, and I will be able to fly and walk through walls and everything. So finger crossed on this one! By the way –  *checks fingers* – Good, all fingers still accounted for.

Well! Time will tell I guess. I will keep you posted, and in the meantime, greetings from the Afterlife!

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