Posted on: April 11, 2013



When you have depression, I swear that you LITERALLY see it all black. I do, at least. When sadness creep on, it is like someone had dimmed the lights. Depression is a dreary, dark place.


Very dark.


Pitch black, in fact.

Click. Click, click, click.

OK, not THAT literally dark – oh shit, they have cut off my electric power.

So what do you do in such a situation? Well, first you turn on your computer, observe with dismay that you have only a couple of hours before you are cut off from the rest of the world, and send a pathetic Skype IM to the Blasted Thing of your choice, telling him vaguely and cutely that you are having some kind of a problem.

It’s really nothing you need his help for, but a reply would bring the light back to your heart at least, and who needs a light bulb when you have a heart full of light?  He is going to offer his help, say that he will call the electrical company in the morning so there will be no language problems, and in the meantime you can stay at his place and have a warm shower and recharge your batteries and get a goodnight kiss, and you will graciously decline, telling him that you are a strong, independent woman who has her shit together and has only had a  split second of weakness because of the shock, and how silly was that? And he will tell you that of course you are not silly, and that you can call him any time, and to let him know if you change your mind, and anyway a promised kiss is a kiss owed, and all will be right with the world and the sun will shine and the birds will chirp and they will only very rarely land droppings on your bike, and never on the saddle or on the handlebars.

In the Real World, the Blasted Thing didn’t reply, but I wasn’t crushed, because I know that he really cares about me. I just need to get WhatsApp.

Actually, when the computer finally died on me, I regretted sending that message: both computer and phone were now turned off, and since I hadn’t stated what my problem was, it sounded like it was something really serious, and he was going to get all worried and would probably drive to my place to check on me, and this would take him the best part of twenty minutes, and what was I going to tell him then? That all that fuss was about a power outage? I considered getting ready for the inevitability by staging a real emergency for when he would come pounding at my door, like smearing myself with raspberry jam and pretending I had cut myself, or jotting down the story of my beloved auntie Genoveffa who had just died, and how close we were when I was little, and how she taught me how to knit (exhibit number one: I scarf I actually knitted myself, drenched in tears), and how she taught me how to cook (exhibit number two: a little known Italian specialty that consists in getting out anything you might have in the fridge and pouring it over pasta, a tradition of Moving Day and Last-Day-Before-the-Holidays Day and Power-Outage Day), and how she taught me how to dress sexy (exhibit number three: a glimpse of sexy underwear).

Turned out I didn’t need to bother.

So, when something like this happens, first you write for support to someone who ignores you, but you’re not hurt because it is your fault for not having the right communication platform.

Then, you retrieve your old cell-phone, whose battery has the endurance of a cardiopathic mayfly, and use it to call a friend for advice, half in tears.

She did offer to let me crash on her couch and was very helpful, but was strangely positive that the world is NOT out to get me, and I should really start and read my mail. More to the point, I should start reading it NOW, get it out of whatever place I stuffed the post into, and look for evidence of what happened. Duh, how can I read with no light? How can I open my post knowing that there’s sure to be bad news?? How can I believe that the world is not out to get me with such compelling evidence in front of my very eyes??? Really, people have the most outlandish ideas.

Finally, you call the outage service, and have the electrical company guy tell you, without even asking if you have paid your bill, got warnings, if there’s light in the rest of the house, what you had for dinner, that he is going to give you the number of a private electrician. ??? His cousin? I patiently explained to him that I believed that his company had cut me off and I would have liked to know why, and he asked me what company, so I unveiled the name of his employer, and he told me that even if that was the case, it is very complicated to find out. I was all supportive and motivating and assured him that he was a very competent and intelligent young man, and that he could raise to the challenge, and how rewarding it was when he did manage to confirm that his company had cut me off! Well done, Cousin of Private Electrician! He couldn’t explain why they had come to this brilliant idea, but he did give me a number to call in the morning. I’m so proud of him. I am sure that in a few months if he works hard he will be able to find out not only who employs him, and the way to the canteen, but perhaps even how to turn on his computer.
Can’t say the same about myself, unfortunately – well, I know my employer as well as I know myself (the perks of being self-employed), I know my way to the kitchen, and I do know how to turn on my computer – but that’s not going to help me much, since I only have twenty minutes of battery left.But anyway this all happened yesterday and I hope it will be solved tomorrow.

So you know what, I will post this and then just sit in the dark. That’s what depressed people are supposed to do anyway, right?


7 Responses to "Click"

If you look hard enough there is a dim light at the end of the tunnel sometimes its so black know its hard to see but its there so I am told. Or perhaps we have our eyes closed. I hope you feel better I sure understand since it seems my world is black more now than it use to be. I hope you don’t mind I reblog this!

Of course I don’t mind, thank you very much!

Good luck and hope you get better, i sue do understand since my world seems to stay black anymore

Reblogged this on My Blog and commented:
Is your world black? I saw this and since i know so many that have this trouble with depression I though i would share .

Why is it that when one needs help, one has to give help first? I admire your fortitude in not screaming – LIFE IS UNFAIR!

Actually, in my experience, even having already helped first is still no guarantee that your friends, perhaps even your very best friend, won’t desert you as soon as you have a problem that can’t be solved overnight, although that’s not the case with the Blasted Thing who never needed anything from me and never will 😦

Yes, life is very unfair – and who said I didn’t scream? 😉

Are you sure these people are really “very best friends”? I seem to have had similar painful experiences and now I realise that they were “good-time buddies” or acquaintances rather than best friends. Better to know there are very few people you can rely on….Sorry, that’s a little dark.

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