Deprifun

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I suck at depression

Posted on: March 4, 2013

I will always be there for you

 

True story:

BFF: So how are you?

Me: Great!

BFF: I can tell that you are not well and I am deeply offended that you would keep stuff hidden from me.

Me: *rather moved, I pour out my heart, and my spleen, and a tiny bit of my liver too, for good measure, since it is supposed to regenerate itself anyway*

(now former) BFF: You are trying to drag me down! Don’t call me ever again.

I read everywhere that as a depressed person you should not isolate yourself, and you should talk to your friends, and stuff.

Great! I am all for meeting people! If it was for me, indeed, I would fill every single hour of my life with people! I, who used to be a bit of an introvert! I want the distraction! I want the excuse to dress up pretty, wash my hair, do my nails and leave the flat! I want a couple of hours filled with laughter, and stories! If we do lunch or dinner I can perhaps even eat a bite or two!

And yes! Talking to friends actually helps! You feel like you are not alone after all!
But what happens when you open up and spill out your entrails? Having an inquisitive nature, I have done some first hand experimenting, coupled with real life observations. It resulted that there are two possibilities:

Possibility 1:

Me: I am miserable

Friend: Oh, you poor thing.

(…)

Friend: How are you today?

Me: Still miserable

Friend: Still!? It’s been A MONTH already! You’re not funny, you know? *pulls a disappearing act*

Possibility 2:

Me: I am miserable

Friend: Oh, you poor thing.

(Optionally, you can skip this introductory part, and go directly to:)

(…)

Friend: How are you today?

Me: Great!

Friend: That’s more like it. Now can we go back to talking about MY problems, or about the weather?

In short, you should fight the urge to isolate yourself, but if you open up, you’ll be isolated anyway. So what’s the point? Oh, you should also fight the tendency to think that everything is pointless. In spite of overwhelming evidence. And by the way, depression makes you think irrationally. So you should stick to logical reasoning.  And facts.  Facts are important. Unless they are depressing. Or something like that.

I really am no good at being depressed.

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27 Responses to "I suck at depression"

Ha ha ha sorry for the laugh but it is so true, “friends” that are only interested to be friends with you when you are … great!!!!
God forbid you are not, cause you are no fun anymore!!!! But there are exceptions , you know, not many but there are! And you can always pour your heart out here 😉 for us!!!!

But I have poured out my heart already… will my kidneys or my pancreas do?

For a start 😉

This feels like it could have been written by me!! I totally empathise with this! It’s so frustrating!

I’m doing some bereavement therapy at the moment. Yes. Sorry. Heavy stuff. However the enlightenment came when I realised that as humans we are not geared to be able to listen/react/comment to those who are feeling “miserable”. So I suppose the fact to take from this is: it’s not you, it’s them. And they can’t help it.
Sure doesn’t help you in knowing who to talk to though…..

I’m so sorry for you, I hope you’ll get better soon.

Yes, people’s natural tendency is to steer well away from anything negative, although personally I like to think I am a better friend than that.

If I might offer an alternate perspective, it is this:
There are insensitive people who do not care to help – they do not deserve your time.
Then, there are friends that are only meant to take you so far. They will come into your life at the right time, they will spend some happy moments with you and help as far as they can, based on their own mental health and their own abilities. Then, when they run out of the tools to help without hurting themselves, they may need to fade out, for a while or permanently. If they kept trying to help, it would be a bit like them jumping in to try to save someone from drowning when they themselves can’t swim.
Finally, there are those people who know how to swim – many of these in your life will be either lifelong friends or counsellors.
Both of these last two have added something beautiful to my life.
Just my experience 🙂

It’s not fun to see who your real friends are, I’ve been there myself and the words: “You are so boring now days… I don’t want to hang around you as long as you are like this” still ring in my ears. Its easy for me to say it will get better because I’ve made it through now, but it will 🙂 Hang in there, and fight on! And when you make it through remember who’s not your friends, because they are the ones that drag you down not the other way around!

I agree with missbcmj, it can be quite hurtful when you realise that you were mistaken when you though certain people were your friends. I have been here too, when it turns out you really need them they seem to disappear.

Yes – makes you feel quite the fool for having been there when THEY needed you, doesn’t it 😉 And it wasn’t even a burden, I was actually happy to help, and honoured that she would ask me.

Ah well, everybody has their own special talents. Some are good judges of people, others, like me, can bend their fingers in unnatural and rather yucky positions.

Yes. It is true it is hard to find friends that will be there for you through thick and thin. However, after feeling lonely about this realization, for a long time, I realized, i was being selfish too. You can’t only talk about yourself, and hope they will sit by and deal with only your problems, day after day. In the beginning it is okay, but at after awhile, i realized I was being a bad friend too. Now I remind myself, no matter how sad to always ask how they are doing and let them talk too.

Yes, of course, I realise that. And indeed, I never talked about my problems if they didn’t ask first, and always listened to them talking about theirs, and did all I could to help.

Now I am afraid I am very disillusioned about this whole friendship thing. I am making new friends – read, new acquaintances, just to fill the time. They are fun. I am fun. I know nothing about them. They know nothing about me. 😦

Hi amara, i know how lonely it can feel when it feels like no one understands you and is a ‘real’ friend. Sometimes hanging out with people to pass the time, can make you feels so lonely. Friendship, is a hard thing, Some people are lucky to meet their besty and its happily ever after all their lives. However, some people, that is not their fate. I have been disappointed so many times, and had so many best friends. For my life I really believe I needed all these people in my life, maybe not forever, but for those moments, and experiences that changed me. Don’t feel too bad or disappointed if friendships dont work. Sometimes they are meant to not work so you can meet someone new. Take care xx

No one wants to look at themself. Particularly when it is the part of them that they have been keeping covert all their life.
I have a friend who knows he has depression, but when he comes over to “see” me, he gets this feigned concerned face for me, and then instead of empathizing with me and thinking about me, he starts thinking for me. I would rather be alone in sadness and pain than listen to his insanity!
I had a friend of mine just tell me that when I was 2 years sober, I told her not to take the anti-depressents(it was 23 years ago) and it hurt her feelings. It cut me to the bone the other day when she said it.

I have 2 friends, and in the depths of my depression, when I let it be overt and just sat in the “f’ing” pain I had been running from my whole life, they were there.(Besides my breath work buddy)
they would come to my house just to have coffee and watch me. Neither one of them tried to get me out of my wallow. I love them and trust them because of it.

No one wants to see their own demons.

Keep doing it Ken.

Hi, not sure how this whole reblogging thing works… Ken reblogged this thing I wrote, and this comment is meant for him, but it came to me 😀 I hope he gets to see it anyway!

Amara, Check your “Blogs I follow,” section. You are signed up to receive any comments that come to this site. Also if you want to keep the comments private, I think you need to send it privately. I am however not sure about that one.
Jim

OK, I will check and try to understand how this all works. I was baffled because WordPress asked ME to approve your comment, while I think it should have asked Ken, since it concerned him… but I will have a look. As I said, I am still quite new to blogging.

So true. When people ask, How are you?…it is a rhetorical question! No need to answer unless its, Great! 🙂

Yes! Although answering “Like a squirrel in a mug full of lipsticks” might elicit interesting reactions, too.

Hmmm…You might be surprised at how little people pay attention.

It does feel like a shock to the system when you realize you’ve misjudged someone’s commitment to you. Of course, there are people that we know are only topical friends–there for pleasantries and smiles alone. But the others, who we have estimated to be true and genuine friends–which would include there-for-you-during-dark-days (no matter how many)–are a tougher pill to swallow when we realize our judgement of them has been skewed.

Yes. Now I don’t dare really opening myself to anyone. I noticed they are grossed out when all my entrails spill out on their new shoes.

Wow … NOT a bff!! Fancy saying ‘are you trying to drag me down’ – as if you would. Hell. You needed to talk.

I did try to talk – she wouldn’t hear though. 😦 So I tried to write – she seems to have developed instant dyslexia. Some day I will get around to learning sign language and try that way.

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